Wide Awake (I’m Letting Go Tonight)

Have you ever been bound by something and you didn’t even know it?  You didn’t know, that is, until in that split second, when you were free?  I’m not talking about going to a service and some false deliverance preacher starts hammering you over the head about something you’re bound by that never even happened, or someone who insists you have a problem that you don’t have.  We’ve all had those experiences, especially if you’ve been in church for awhile.  People who act like this when it comes to deliverance make us walk away, scratching our heads, and wondering if any of the whole thing is true.  Too much of deliverance ministry has become a dramatic show we think we can market to the public to wow them with things, even if the whole mess isn’t true.  That’s not what I’m talking about here.  I’m talking about having something you didn’t even know you had, nobody ever called it out, you never really had any repercussions from it other than that it was there and it was something that every now and then you thought about, and then one day…in the blink of an eye…it was gone.

That was my situation.  Before all the people who want a big, dramatic show start to crawl out of the woodwork, it wasn’t some big, hidden, secret sin. It actually wasn’t sin of any sort, at all.  It was just one of those things that I wondered about from time to time: what would have happened had things been different and things went a different way.  I wouldn’t even say it was really a “regret,” per se, just kind of a silent musing that every now and then would surface when things were quiet, or it was late at night and I couldn’t sleep, or stuff was kind of slow…and I would wonder…should things have been different?  What would things be like, where would my life be, had I made a different choice?

It wasn’t something that had mused me for a few months, or two months, or a year, or two years, or even a few…but something that had been a life undercurrent for a very long time.  Then there was that moment when, all of a sudden…I realized it was gone.  I was on the plane to Tucson, Arizona for Women of Power’s conference in October when it happened.  I don’t know that God had healed me at that moment or that was just the moment I realized it, but I suddenly knew something was different, something that had formerly been there now was no longer.  It was there, connected to this one issue, that I never received an answer to my late-night thoughts and inner questions, but somehow I realized the answers didn’t matter anymore, and I would not need to think of them again.  

In a split-second, I was wide awake.

The song “Wide Awake” by Katy Perry was not just a well-versed rendition of her own relationship deliverance from Russell Brand, it was also voted Best Video of 2012. (Yes, I am well-aware that she is not everywhere she needs to be in her life, but I’m not going to use this blog to moralize about her.)  The song details – as does the video – a process of deliverance that just happens when you have the moment in which you are finally able to “let go” of whatever it was that happened and the results which followed.  Not every single thing that relates to deliverance in this life relates to sin, or dramatic hidden sins, or some big problem that we have.  Some of the most insidious things that bind us have nothing to do with our own sins, or things about us.  Sometimes things just affect us, hurt us, cause us to wonder or ponder, or impact us in ways we don’t realize until we start that descent to “fall from cloud nine.” We live in a world where concepts, thoughts, promises, hopes, dreams, and thoughts about “what if?” put us in a place where we don’t always see things exactly for what they were or what they were, and in order to get to a place of deliverance, we must first fall away from the fantasy which we ourselves created with our own imaginations.      

In the video, Katy Perry doesn’t just knock out “Prince Charming,” she knocks out the concept of Prince Charming – of anything that charms or enchants us in this life, of things that seem one way, but are another, or things that draw us away from who we are and who we are meant to be.  The ultimate deliverance – smashing the fantasy that held us away from where we need to be – only comes about when we stop wondering how that fantasy would have materialized.  The reality is that had we done different, entertained whatever it was, or done something else – we’d have a different reality, not the fantasy we created in our minds.

I’m the first to admit that everything in my life is not perfect.  There are things I would change if I had the chance, there are lots of things I still wish I had a “do-over” on, but good, bad, or indifferent, it is what it is.  I’m not living in the past, so I ask everyone to please not litter this with a bunch of messages telling me to “look forward” or “stop living in regret.” I don’t find comments like that particularly encouraging, I find them annoying, and that’s not what this is, anyhow.  It’s just normal human realization from life review that I could have made better decisions at other points in time and those decisions have contributed to being where I am, now.  A fantasy won’t make things different, wishing I’d chased after something that would have equally not been a reality wouldn’t have made it a fantasy, and coming to a place where I can look Prince Charming in the face and knock him out…now that’s a freeing feeling.  I don’t need the questions, the late night musings, I just need to live right here, right now, wide awake, and ready for anything.

There comes a time in the life of every believer where it’s just time to grow up and accept the work God is doing within you.  No, I’m not going to promise you that everything in this walk is sunshine, roses, money trees, and everything you always wanted right at your door.  Sometimes we have to walk away from things, be they people, relationships, family members, friends, and yes, even hopes, dreams, and fantasies, the little things that keep us wondering what might have happened “if,” and just step up so God can take us wherever He desires us to be.  “When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things” (1 Corinthians 13:11) is about more than just what we believe; it’s also a statement of becoming mature enough to walk in love and walk out our faith, without fantasies, just as we are called to be.  Thank God for freedom.     
 
I’m letting go, tonight.

(c) 2014 Lee Ann B. Marino.  All rights reserved.

I’m wide awake
I’m wide awake

I’m wide awake
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I’m wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong?
I’m wide awake
And now it’s clear to me
That everything you see
Ain’t always what it seems
I’m wide awake
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

[Pre-Chorus]
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
‘Til I woke up on
On the concrete

[Chorus]
Falling from cloud nine
I’m crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight
Yeah, I’m falling from cloud nine

I’m wide awake
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I’m wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself, no

I’m wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Out of the lion’s den
I don’t have to pretend
And it’s too late
The story’s over now, the end

[Pre-Chorus]
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
‘Til I woke up on
On the concrete

[Chorus]
Falling from cloud nine (it was out of the blue)
I’m crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight (yeah, I’m letting you go)
I’m falling from cloud nine

I’m wide awake
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I’m wide awake
I am trying to hold on
I’m wide awake
God knows that I’ve tried
Seeing the bright side
I’m wide awake
I’m not blind anymore…

I’m wide awake
I’m wide awake

[Chorus]
Yeah, I’m falling from cloud nine (it was out of the blue)
I’m crashing from the high
You know I’m letting go tonight (yeah, I’m letting you go)
I’m falling from cloud nine

I’m wide awake
I’m wide awake
I’m wide awake
I’m wide awake
I’m wide awake

Read more: Katy Perry – Wide Awake Lyrics | MetroLyrics

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