The Top Ten Things To Say To Distract A TSA Agent

Yesterday I was subject, yet again, to “random” screening.  I am starting to feel like these screenings aren’t so random as every single time I am in an airport, I get “randomly” screened.  I am getting sick of it.  Let’s face it: I am not being targeted for suspected terrorism.  We all know I am not a terrorist, they are just picking on me for one of two reasons: either they are trying to prove they harass blonde-haired, blue-eyed people as much as others, or they just want to cop a feel.  So I have devised a plan to avoid being groped further by TSA agents.  I am not going to post it here, as everyone would start doing it and then that would not work anymore.  So instead of doing that, I decided that we should find ways to distract them from searching us and violating our rights against unreasonable search and seizure.  Below are the top ten things we can say to distract TSA agents when they get ready to “pat us down!”

10. I’m not wearing any underwear!

9. “I just love that song, “I Touch Myself.”  Do you know it?

8. Can’t we just cuddle?

7. You can’t touch me there – I love you, but I’m not in love with you.

6. Is that a search device in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

5. Before you pat me down, shouldn’t you buy me dinner first?

4. I’m not a woman, but I play one on TV.

3. Are you picturing me naked?  I was getting that vibe.

2. The uniform does it for me.  I love a man in uniform.

1. Random search…isn’t that Latin for, “Not without an engagement ring?”   

(C) 2011 by Lee Ann B. Marino.  All rights reserved (as if anyone else would want to take credit for this one!)


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